My Suicide Journey

The In 2017 I attempted suicide. After my attempt I gave myself one year to cure my depression, anxiety, and c-ptsd. When that one year mark came up I decided to try one more year, then one more, and so on. I am still here. I am still struggling. I have tried prescription medications, supplements, Ketamine, Ayahuasca, San Pedro, mushrooms, Kambo, meditation, diet and exercise, amongst other healing modalities. I have traveled to other countries. I have changed jobs. I’ve turned my life upside down. I am still fighting and this is my story.

  • Signs from the Universe and Decisions

    I honestly thought I would have been blogging every night this week. Training turned out to take more energy than I anticipated it would. At first I thought it was me, but after talking with others in my course I learned exhaustion at the end of the day was a general consensus. It was an interesting training… If nothing else, it helped me realize I don’t particularly want to stay in the field of social services. It’s not that I don’t want to help people. I do. I also want something more, and I am going to make it happen!

    At least that is how I feel this evening. Happy and motivated. It wasn’t the way I was feeling earlier in the week. There was more than a touch of fear and sadness in my heart. Quite a few moments of feeling lost and alone. But as the universe often does, it has continued to give me signs that I am on the right path again. Everything is flowing.

    Steve messaged me this week. He is in Ecuador. Jude is leaving for Peru on the 25th. His mom messaged me yesterday. They are drinking Ayahuasca together tomorrow. It is so far out of her comfort zone. I am excited for the both of them. I am envious as well. I have made a decision that by mid December I will either be heading to my sister’s in Missouri or Flying to Peru. I will wait for a sign these next 2 weeks and go from there.

    Tomorrow I will begin writing more…


  • Here I am

    I made it to the Tri-cities. 7:40 am. My Peer Counselor Training begins at 9:00 am. I am going to make it through! I had a wonderful weekend with my family. I even got to spend time with my middle son. He is moving to Texas on Tuesday. I worry so much about him. It is all the hurt I caused him growing up that he is struggling with. Being human is hard. I still hate myself for the mistakes I made raising my kids. I am working on forgiving myself, but that is hard too.

  • Peru, Ayahuasca, and Enlightenment

    I spoke with one of my close friends this morning. He called to check on me. To see how my move out is going. Always one of my best cheerleaders. I couldn’t appreciate him more. We met in Ecuador last year. We probably connected because he reminded me of my son’s and I wanted someone to take care of. He most likely saw his mother in me, as she has been through some of the same things I’ve been through.

    We spent 3 months in Ecuador drinking Ayahuasca and San Pedro. Seeking healing (as all of us US citizen’s traveling to Central and South America are doing). Now he is heading to Peru in 2 weeks and I am leaning towards following (if I don’t go to Missouri).

    This morning he reminded me of the stars, the beauty of the stars. My mind conjured up a memory of Costa Rica. Of Ayahuasca and laying in the grass under the stars. The moment mother Ayahuasca showed me the sacred geometry of the stars and told me she would tell me the answers to the universe if I so desired. Perhaps it is time for me to reconnect with the plant medicines…

  • New Beginnings

    Today I begin again. I have been living in Yakima, Washington for the past 21 months. I am currently sitting at Starbucks waiting for my boyfriend to leave the house to go to work. Once he leaves I can go pack up as much as I can in my little Toyota Corolla, and drive 3 hours over the mountains to my mother’s house. I am leaving for good this time. It has not been a healthy relationship. 2 weeks ago I took a job I didn’t want to take to show him I was committed to our relationship and staying here. Each day I went to work I was overwhelmed. Volunteer Coordinator was the title. My training consisted of learning all the different positions our volunteers do. It didn’t mesh well with my mild autism, depression, and anxiety. Each day I came home exhausted and unable to function the entire evening. My boyfriend just wanted me to be working. Though he did repeatedly tell me he wanted me to be happy. He is on the spectrum himself, but very different from me. One night I left the house while he was in the bathroom. When I came home an hour later he hadn’t noticed I was gone. I don’t want to talk about him much. It is over now. Last night we had one last fight. He threw all the inadequacies he believes I have, in my face. I can’t take it anymore. Here, I am lonely and alone each and everyday. It is not the life I want for myself. It is not conducive to my healing. So I am beginning my healing journey once again, on my own. Stronger and more determined than ever!

    My plan is to head over to Western Washington, stay with family and friends for the next month or so until I make a solid decision where my next destination is. I am thinking it is likely Peru, but it may be Missouri, where my sister is. I am trusting the universe to lead me in the direction I need to go.

About Me

I have struggled with anxiety and depression my entire adult life. Recently diagnosed with mild autism and c-ptsd I am determined to gain control over my suicidal ideation and make this lifetime beautiful.